Contolling relationships involve the disempowerment of the individual and disconnection from the self.
Controlling relationships are not always violent. People often term abuse as violence but in reality actual violence only accounts for a very small amount of abusive behavior. Often the controller finds it more effective to control people by convincing the controlled that they are responsible for their emotions and the way they behave as a result. An environment is created where the needs, moral convictions and personal preferences of the controlled are suppressed in an attempt to manage the emotional reactivity of the controller. Without ever raising a hand, the controller is able to maintain the appearance of being safe despite the fact that he/she is abusive.
Fear is a powerful tool used to maintain control. Often controllers will have a pattern of inconsistent and unpredictable outbursts. Without predictability the controller maintains the upper hand and those being controlled are forced to live constantly attuned to the moods of the controller. Controllers may also have petty rules, which may change frequently that they enforce as a means of assuring that they have the control. All this is meant to break down the will of the individual and make them obedient to the will of the controller. Every so often the controller will grant small indulgences to the person(s) he/she controls. Over time the controller comes to be viewed as a savior, and the pattern is set up of for the controlled to work towards winning indulgences by complete compliance. Whether the controller is conscious of it or not the goal is to completely destroy the others autonomy.
Yet another way to destroy autonomy is through controlling the body, things like eating, sleeping and what the controlled may wear. This may be very insidious like making meal times tension filled or conflictual, making night time a fearful time so relaxed sleep is impossible or getting to sleep is difficult. Or it may be more obvious with outbursts or strict rules that leave no room for individual choice and freedom.
Another powerful tool to gain control is to isolate the person or people you wish to control. Proving ones loyalty is always a key factor in controlling relationships. Some prove loyalty by giving up their sources of connection. What seemed like small concessions made in the give and take of relationship, leaves the controlled sadly lacking the resources. By the time they realize how far it has gone they may feel to much shame, self-loathing or dispare to get help.
How is it that this happens, often to seemingly smart individuals? The controlled often describe that they were initially attracted by the attention the controller bestowed on them and looked upon it as sign of love. They were flattered and comforted by the intense interest. As it began to feel domineering, or too much, the controlled ignored his/her own discomfort and excused the behavior because of his/her own feelings of love towards the controller and also because of fear. The isolation eventually renders the controlled powerless when the controller has isolated the controlled from other human connection, from sources of information, material aid and emotional support. As connection with others is lost the controller becomes the soul source of everything. In the absence of any other human connection he/she will try to find the humanity in the controller. In entering into relationship with the controller, the controlled gets sucked further and further from reality.
Many contollers gravitate towards relationships with people who like to be nice . Because they value being nice, they controlled is easily manipulated. The contoller is unlikely to meet resistance in convincing them to take responsibility for the controller's emotional regulation. After all, if I am not happy, it must be because you have not been nice.
If you or someone you know is involved in this kind of relationship, please get help. Contact me or read more about my services.
