Experiencing Relationship Difficulties?

When you made a commitment to your partner, you never imagined that the two of you would ever have the kinds of conflict in your relationship or marriage that you are now experiencing. Amid these conflicts you may be asking yourself, have I made a mistake? Most couples come to a place in their marriage or relationship where the dream of how they thought things would be, and the reality, do not match.
Many people make one of three choices.

They can leave, possibly trying to get it right with a different kind of person.
They can remain in the patterns of communication the two of them have developed and accept that this is all their life can be.
They both can commit to changing, finding new ways of dealing with conflict and growing towards greater intimacy. This new way, may not fit each other's initial expectations for the relationship, but has a new depth that allows each to grow and mature as individuals and as a couple. Although the third option often requires that people face things they have avoided, sometimes unconsciously, the end results are greater intimacy and a more rewarding marriage or relationship. Couples need a marriage counsellor to help them discover the cycles they get caught in and how to make effective changes.

Why Not Just End the Relationship?

Studies show that problems in one relationship frequently crop up in the next. Those people who take the time to find out what they do in the relationship that contributes to the unresolved conflict and those who change their ways of dealing with such conflicts are far more likely to go on to future successful relationships. Most people seriously underestimate the cost financially and emotionally to you and any children that may be involved. Our society is oriented toward the quick fix that involves little or no real work or that quickly attempts to replace what is broken. You need to be realistic about whether another relationship will really be so much better. You need to be realistic about whether the problems you experience with your spouse will cease to be a problem once you are no longer together. When children are involved, this is seldom the case. Before ending the relationship, it is worth trying to see if you can fix it. This in no way advocates that you stay in a relationship that is physically abusive or that you return to a physically abusive partner. This is too high a cost to you or your children.

Contact

For more information, consultation or an appointment contact me or call in Nanaimo 250 667 4844
in the Comox Valley 250 897 5776.

How Can Couple Therapy Help

Marriage counselling by a trained marriage therapist can help you discover what gets in the way of effective communication with your partner. It will also teach you new and more effective ways of communicating and resolving issues. Most of us learned a specific set of communications skills from our caregivers growing up; therapy makes us more aware of communication patterns passed down from our caregivers and teaches us to implement new ways of communicating that result in deeper intimacy with our partners.

Fees

I charge $100.00 per hour GST included. If you do not have the means to pay the full fee, I have a limited number of daytime appointments available at a partial fee.

If you wish to bill through your extended health plan or Employee Assistants Plan (EAP), you will need to check to see if your plan accepts Registered Clinical Counsellors as service providers. I work with a number of EAP's. Please feel free to check with me to see if your provider is able to contract with me.

Availability

I see clients during the day, select evenings and Saturdays. I am flexible about the length of sessions and will consider appointments by phone or email.

Learn More about Virginia

Infidelity

Do I leave or Do I stay??? There is no right answer here.
You should consider staying if...
You and your partner are both committed to working on the relationship. You should not make the decision to leave to avoid the pain. This never works. You should not stay if your partner continues to deceive you and refuse to go to counselling.
To learn more about affairs...
and to read a true story about how each partner in the relationship coped with the affair...

Controlling Relationships

What seems like small concessions made in the give and take of any relationship creeps up and often people find that by the time they realize how far it has gone they are sadly lacking the resources they need to help themselves get out. In addition, shame keeps people from admitting to themselves and others the real truth and getting out or getting counselling. Here are some indicators of a controlling relationship.

Fear used to maintain control. Often controllers will have a pattern of inconsistent and unpredictable outbursts.
Controlling the body, things like eating, sleeping and what the controlled may wear.
Isolation, demanding loyalty, and giving up important connections.
Taking responsibility for managing the controller’s emotional state to ensure your safety, and that of those around the controller. Often described as "walking on eggshells".

Read a complete article on controlling Relationships

Couples and Marriage Counselling communication Nanaimo